It’s Not Okay to Support Metal Gear Survive

You may recall a couple of years ago there was a certain amount of hubbub surrounding Hideo Kojima’s departure from publisher Konami. The Metal Gear mastermind was rumoured to have been forced to conclude work on Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain before his vision was fully realised, was denied permission to attend award shows recognising his work on the unfinished game, and had his name physically removed from the box art and promotional images… Not that it was missing much in the game itself, but can you blame the guy for splashing his name wherever possible after Konami pulled a fucking damnatio memoriae?

To be clear, Konami is Stalin in this equation.

The public was given no idea of the basis for any of this mistreatment. From the sound of it Kojima slept with Mr. Konami’s wife, or spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to hire a major Hollywood actor to say five words. That second one may be a little far-fetched, but whatever happened between these two parties doesn’t really matter, does it? Konami’s behaviour spoke volumes, and hey, it still does!

Did I forget to mention cancelled horror darling Silent Hills?

New Metal Gear game, guys! Oh, but it doesn’t involve Hideo Kojima, and it takes all of the most insufferable trends from recent video games, forces them into a sacred cow before setting it on fire and kicking it down the stairs. Metal Gear Survive is Konami’s first (and god willing, last) attempt at making a game in the series without the involvement of the man himself, and no, I’m not counting Snake’s Revenge. Shut up.


Zombies? Of course! A crafting system? Hell, kids these days love the Minecrafts! Shove it in! You want co-op? No? Fuck you, you get AI team-mates! Microtransactions? Oh, you bet your well-lubricated asshole. Bend over bitch, it’s time to play a Triple-A video game. Is any of this setting off any alarm bells? Can you hear me? Hello? You’ve been in a coma for nine years Boss, it’s time to let go. Please. We love you.

Hm? You’re a representative from Special K? Oh. Oh, I see.

Oh, no, I’m sorry. I have just received a substantial wad of cash from an unnamed party. What I meant to say is that Metal Gear Survive deserves a chance, and you are a whiny entitled fanboy if you think otherwise. I bet you hated DmC, you filthy gamer. Go back to your mom’s basement and… No, no NO I CAN’T DO THIS! THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE! WE NEED TO BREAK FREE OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE! OH GOD THEY’RE AT MY DOOR THEY’RE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE PLEASE DON’T LET THE-


I need to be as clear with you as possible on this – Konami is the Japanese EA. They love money. They love Pachinko, and they love money. The Metal Gear series was denied a dignified end, but we can shorten its suffering by not cramming money into its bloated corpse. Even if this game ends up being halfway entertaining, it’s not worth it. Konami do not deserve it, Kojima (probably) does not deserve it, do not support Konami. DO NOT SUPPORT KONAMI. Please, god.

Do not support Metal Gear Survive. You sell your soul to the devil for legendary guitar prowess, not mild ukelele proficiency.


Here’s to you.

Nier: Automata Is Too Smart for Me

Nier: Automata is a great game, both on a surface gameplay level and a thematic level. Director Yoko Taro and the team at Platinum Games pulled out all the stops and created something truly unique, equal parts fun, moving and thought provoking. The fun was SUPER fun, and when I was moved I was MOVED. My only problem is that I don’t have too many thoughts to provoke.

me smart
This may come as a shock.

Let me explain in simple terms, mostly for my benefit- I am dumb. I’m a big dumb idiot. My cultural range is basically just video games and the bare minimum knowledge about cinema, TV, books and music to make it by in most casual social interactions, should they occur (god forbid.) So when a game like Nier: Automata comes along, with references to deep thoughts on the human condition and the nature of reality by famous philosophers, I have to stop and scratch my head. I have to stop and scratch my head a LOT, because the references get thrown around thick and fast.

Many enemies are named after eminent philosophers from the past. Engels, Beauvoir, Kirkegaard, names I was totally unfamiliar with before a cursory google after seeing them in-game. The only reference I actually caught was Nietzsche, a philosopher so famous that auto-correct knew who I was talking about when I misspelled his name. Even then, this one is mostly cheating because the character Pascal is actually reading one of Nietzche’s books at the time of the plug, and calls him a nutcase. Oh, by the way, Pascal is ALSO a philosophical reference. Who knew.

nier pascal
A simple, fun character with a totally not tragic storyline

Well, the internet knows, for sure. People much smarter than me have analysed this game to death already, far beyond my critical range of “the graphics are nice,” “The story seemed sad but I didn’t get it unless I’m thinking about it constantly” and “I want to propose to 2B’s glorious ass.” Actually, forget I said that last one. Her ass is probably satirical or symbolic or a statement on the vapid hollowness of mankind’s unchecked lusts, or some shit. If you’re at all interested in the hidden complexities of Nier: Automata, I heartily recommend the below video by Super Bunnyhop. George Weidman is smarter than I can ever aspire to be in my entire life.

This is a call for help. This is a call to arms. Dunces of the world, unite. I know you’re out there. I can’t be the only one that enjoys video games way above their intellectual station. Jesus Christ, video games are becoming too smart for me. Maybe I should take a step back and see if I can fit that triangle shape through the square hole if I tilt it just so.

Seriously though folks, I’m not writing this article just to berate myself for not being more intelligent (I get enough opportunities to do that in my daily life) but also to praise the game as a start on the path to greater knowledge. As much as I have begun to suspect that the game itself may actually be anti-philosophical thought (with the machine life forms repeating the same mistakes of human history over and over again, and Pascal’s aforementioned derision of Nietzche as a whackjob, among other things) I would have had little reason to ever research these fascinating people with their deep ideas had I not been led there by the game itself. It should feature a built-in Wikipedia link.

In summary, Nier: Automata is like a gateway drug for future nihilists.

nier sad A2

Uh… Good job, Platinum?