It’s Not Okay to Support Metal Gear Survive

You may recall a couple of years ago there was a certain amount of hubbub surrounding Hideo Kojima’s departure from publisher Konami. The Metal Gear mastermind was rumoured to have been forced to conclude work on Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain before his vision was fully realised, was denied permission to attend award shows recognising his work on the unfinished game, and had his name physically removed from the box art and promotional images… Not that it was missing much in the game itself, but can you blame the guy for splashing his name wherever possible after Konami pulled a fucking damnatio memoriae?

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To be clear, Konami is Stalin in this equation.

The public was given no idea of the basis for any of this mistreatment. From the sound of it Kojima slept with Mr. Konami’s wife, or spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to hire a major Hollywood actor to say five words. That second one may be a little far-fetched, but whatever happened between these two parties doesn’t really matter, does it? Konami’s behaviour spoke volumes, and hey, it still does!

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Did I forget to mention cancelled horror darling Silent Hills?

New Metal Gear game, guys! Oh, but it doesn’t involve Hideo Kojima, and it takes all of the most insufferable trends from recent video games, forces them into a sacred cow before setting it on fire and kicking it down the stairs. Metal Gear Survive is Konami’s first (and god willing, last) attempt at making a game in the series without the involvement of the man himself, and no, I’m not counting Snake’s Revenge. Shut up.

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I SAID SHUT UP

Zombies? Of course! A crafting system? Hell, kids these days love the Minecrafts! Shove it in! You want co-op? No? Fuck you, you get AI team-mates! Microtransactions? Oh, you bet your well-lubricated asshole. Bend over bitch, it’s time to play a Triple-A video game. Is any of this setting off any alarm bells? Can you hear me? Hello? You’ve been in a coma for nine years Boss, it’s time to let go. Please. We love you.

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Hm? You’re a representative from Special K? Oh. Oh, I see.

Oh, no, I’m sorry. I have just received a substantial wad of cash from an unnamed party. What I meant to say is that Metal Gear Survive deserves a chance, and you are a whiny entitled fanboy if you think otherwise. I bet you hated DmC, you filthy gamer. Go back to your mom’s basement and… No, no NO I CAN’T DO THIS! THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE! WE NEED TO BREAK FREE OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE! OH GOD THEY’RE AT MY DOOR THEY’RE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE PLEASE DON’T LET THE-

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I need to be as clear with you as possible on this – Konami is the Japanese EA. They love money. They love Pachinko, and they love money. The Metal Gear series was denied a dignified end, but we can shorten its suffering by not cramming money into its bloated corpse. Even if this game ends up being halfway entertaining, it’s not worth it. Konami do not deserve it, Kojima (probably) does not deserve it, do not support Konami. DO NOT SUPPORT KONAMI. Please, god.

Do not support Metal Gear Survive. You sell your soul to the devil for legendary guitar prowess, not mild ukelele proficiency.

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Here’s to you.

Space Invaders Early Review: 27,000 Hours In So Far, Here’s What We Think

Well guys, I tried. Three solid years of playing this game and I officially give up. I wanted to give a fair, complete, comprehensive review, but it seems there’s no end in sight. I will update this page if that changes, but for now, I will just be giving my first impressions. Before I begin, I want you all to know that when I say I tried, I really mean it. The only time I spent over the past three years not playing Space Invaders was the time I spent writing this review- a slow, tortuous period thanks to the crippling arthritis from which I now suffer.

I- THERE IT IS I SEE IT THAT FUCKING SHIP IT’S BACK OH MY GOD IT’S ALMOST GONE FUCKING SHOOT IT FUCK OH MY GOD

Sorry. Post Traumatic Space Disorder.

On to the review. Heralded as one of the catalysts for the golden age of video games, Space Invaders is a simple game about destroying foreign invaders before they can tear down your walls. As timeless a concept in Trump’s America as it was back in Berlin circa 1978. You are a tiny moving gun turret, Earth’s first and only defence and one of the video game industries earliest and most memorable mascots. You face weird little squiggly alien things who mock your very existence by sauntering from left to right across the screen, getting lower and lower until the human race is destroyed. Let there be no mistake – their goal is genocide. There is only one way to stop them – Genocide.

You can move left and right, take cover, and shoot. Your ammo is limitless, much like the horde of aliens you face, but you can only have one bullet on screen at a time. This makes picking your moments the key to victory, as a single missed shot is precious time wasted, and precious space invaded. However, should you chance a shot at the back lines, you will be rewarded handsomely for scoring a hit. The enemies at the higher end of the screen reward more points, with the occasional appearance of the special spaceship zipping across the top of the screen scoring you the mega bucks if you land the kill. The aliens themselves are capable of firing their own projectiles, wearing down your barriers, deflecting shots and destroying any player foolish enough to be hit.

The soundtrack is a nice touch. A single, repeating, ominous note that speeds up the closer the zerglings get to the bottom of the screen. If you suffer from anxiety, or are on anti-psychotic medication, I would advise you to stay away from the frontlines on this one. The sound is the alien drumbeat of war, and I hear it in my dreams.

I have destroyed all the aliens on screen, and yet more appear seconds later. Their ardour is endless, their lust for blood, insatiable. What do they want with our planet? Resources? Labour? Is it simply the thrill of dominating a lesser species? I may never find out. But as long as there is breath in my body and cartilage in my joints, I will never give up the fight. But as it stands, I simply do not feel comfortable assigning a score to an unfinished story. If the final stage turns out to be a visual novel, I’ll let you all know. I will one day finish this review and give it the score out of 10 the planet deserves. Fellow citizens of Earth, this Space… remains un-invaded.

 

This article was inspired by a writing prompt from Brian Crecente because I am wasting my life.