A Crash Bandicoot Movie Should- Nay, Must Happen

Hear me out.

The recent Super Mario Bros. Movie has just had the biggest worldwide opening weekend for an animated film of all time. Critics aren’t entirely thrilled with it, but audiences seem to love it and the fans are – at the very least- satisfied. I know I am! Like everyone else, I had my doubts about the project when they cast Chris Pratt as the voice of Mario, but his performance turned out to be serviceable, if not terribly notable. The other voice actors knocked it out of the park, though. I didn’t even mind Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong(!) though his trademark laugh was a little distracting.

Kinda weird how Jack Black was the only non-CG character though

The point is, people are loving the movie. The age of actually good video game adaptations is upon us- though I would like to quickly note that the 1993 live action Mario movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo is criminally underrated and you should watch it at your first available opportunity.

It adapts the famous mattress race from Mario Kart: Mattress GP

So where to now? Read the headline, buddy. It’s time for Crash Bandicoot to win an Oscar. He’s been waiting in the wings all these years. If Leo can do it, why not Crash? Mario got his silver screen success story, Sonic got his too, and I’ll be damned if I let Spyro the Dragon get his box office revenue before my orange spinny boy.

Standing ovation. Award sweep. Inducted into the Library of Congress

There’s a plethora- Dare I say a cornucopia- of source material to draw from. Evil scientist mutating wild animals to be sapient super soldiers, accidentally creating a heroic marsupial who escapes the mad doctor’s clutches, finds a magical, sentient voodoo mask and sets out on a quest to free his animal brethren? Fuck yes. That, my friend, is CINEMA. But wait! Post-credits scene- Turns out the evil scientist has his OWN sentient voodoo mask, only this one is SUPER evil. Holy fuck! Crash is going to need the help of all his newly freed animal family on this one.

I’m honestly baffled why this hasn’t been done already

I’m saying this stuff writes itself. There’s a goldmine to be excavated here, and I just want to go on record saying that I saw it coming, I’m here for it, and I’ll be there at the premiere with my giant Crash bandi-suit on. If there are any producers reading this looking for ideas, I have some *very* in-depth fan fiction you’re welcome to.

Pictured: Me

Author: Joebotnik

I am an interactive entertainment enthusiast.

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